When I Look Into Your Eyes
by LittleCoffeeAddict
Summary: I was finally able to block out most of my thoughts concerning her and the way things went. And then everything is suddenly back. She is back leaving even more questions. Questions which I will probably never get answers for... Carby
1. It’s Still Not Easy

**Chapter 1 - It's Still Not Easy**

"You're lucky, it's quite calm at the moment.," I hear Susan say as I enter the Admit Desk to start my shift, "Just make sure you check Mrs. Bright in two and the little girl in four."

I nod and put a pen into my pocket, grabbing a chart. It's just one of those boring days where everything goes its own way. Without paying attention I let my eyes wander over the chart. It seems to be nothing special when suddenly something catches my eye. "Abby", I mumble to myself reading the name of the patient.

"Did you just say something?" Susan asks me, but I shake my head coming back into reality.

Abigail Jones, it says. A fourteen year old girl. It doesn't matter. Just the name drives me nuts. All the pictures coming back to my head. Abby when she's sleeping, Abby when she laughs, Abby when she's sad, when she's happy.... Abby the last time I saw her. I still don't understand why it all had to happen one of a sudden.

"Earth to Carter!" Luka breaks my memories, "You better get something done before Weaver catches you!" He laughs and walks up to the board, "She's not exactly in a good mood today!"

"In a second," I answer switching to another chart. I'm not in the mood for this right now. Not today.

My first patient is an elderly woman who fell down the stairs, nothing unusual. I try to calm her down while examining her seemingly broken leg. Luckily she is one of those people who calm down soon and trust you. I don't feel like arguing. After a while she starts to talk about her dog and I drift back in thoughts when I hear someone screaming my name.

"Carter, we have a MVA coming in - ETA five minutes!" Susan hands me a coat and we head outside into the ambulance bay, "It sounded pretty bad. Head on collision. They're bringing in one of the drivers and a little girl. The mother is still trapped inside of their car."

Nobody says a word. Kerry divides us into groups. Susan and I will work on the girl. We just look at each other. Even though we do this everyday it's still not easy, especially when kids are involved. They have so many things yet to discover, to learn, to experience. There's so much in front of them.

I hope it's not too bad. The guy on the radio said that she is at conscious and got pretty lucky, but things can change on the way. I just don't want to think about it. No word about the mother. They're probably still trying to get her out of the car.

A few minutes later the ambulances drives into the bay. We run to the car as the doors are opening. Thoughts and feelings run through my head. It's this first second, this first sight that is the most frightening. I look at the girl. Her clothes are covered in blood, and she constantly tries to move without success. She's so tiny, no older than seven.

Luckily she's awake and the blood is probably not her own. Her dark brown eyes look at me totally afraid. "Mommy, where is my mommy?" She cries, still trying to get off the gurney.

"Sweetie, you have to keep still!", Susan tries to calm her down, stroking her head, "We have to make sure that you're ok. Your Mom will be here soon!" Saying the last sentence she looks at me worried.

I bend down to speak to her while we bring the gurney inside, "Hey I'm John, can you tell me your name, honey?"

"Joanne," she sobs. "Where is my Mommy?!"

We bring her to trauma one and start examining her. It looks good so far. She just has a broken arm and a few bruises and cuts. Nothing serious yet, but we decide to send her in for a head CT just in case.

"Joanne, we will bring you to another room to see if your head is ok. You don't have to be afraid. It won't hurt. We will just take a picture of it," I explain to her and she observes my tiniest movement, "Are you ready to go?"

For a second she says nothing, but then looks deep into my eyes, "Can you come with me?"

I smile at her, "Yes I will go with you, don't be scared!" She nods and we wheel her out of the trauma room.

I hope that they get the mother out soon. Even though Joanne seems quiet her eyes don't lie. She's scared and sad. Abby used to have the same expression in her eyes when she was worried and scared. It was the worst. She would never admit that she was scared. She would try to seem brave and fine, but inside she was more than worried.

I shook my head. It was the wrong place, time, and situation to think about Abby. She was gone, it was over and I shouldn't be thinking about her at all.

I spot Kerry on the hallway as she walks up to me, "The driver didn't make it!".

I can tell she is exhausted. It must have been bad. "What about the mother?" I ask her.

"No news yet"

On the way upstairs I try to make the situation for Joanne as comfortable as I can. She seems very mature for her age. "Joanne, can you tell me how old you are?"

She smiles at me proudly, "I'm seven! It was my birthday last week and I had a big party with all my friends."

"That sounds great," Susan says and strokes the girl's beautiful brown her. She is really pretty and I wonder how beautiful her parents must be to have such a cute daughter.

"Joanne, can you tell me where you dad is? Do you know if we can call him somewhere?", I ask her cautiously and suddenly she seems different.

"I don't have a Dad. My mom left him when I was a baby," she states without a trace of emotion.

We don't have to wait long to get her into the CT Room and just as we finish our pagers start to beep. It's the ER: They got the mother out.

The elevator ride seems endless and Susan and I are both relieved when we're back down. Luka, Kerry, Chuny and Haleh are waiting for us, "They managed to cut her out!"

As we're walking outside Kerry tells us the details, "She was hit really bad. She's unconscious, doesn't response to anything. Seems like she has broken a few bones, her spine might be injured. They had to intubate and shock her twice while cutting her out. It doesn't look good. She might be DOA."

You can see how tense everybody is. We avoid each others glances, everybody looks into another direction. Please not DOA. It will destroy everything for her little daughter. This can't be happening.

Finally the ambulance arrives. The doors open. The gurney is pushed outside. It's hard to see anything. The whole tiny body is covered in blood, the dressings and clothes are soaked, a chaos of medical supplies on top.

It takes a few seconds to recognize that this is a young woman. Then suddenly I hear a cry.

Susan screams, "Oh my God! She looks like Abby!"

I rush to her side and see it with my own eyes.

"It _IS_ Abby!"


	2. After All These Years

**Chapter 2 - ****After All These Years**

"There's nothing more we can do right now." Kerry tries to explain, but each word seems to be so far away. It is almost impossible for me to understand something right now. Everything just seems so blurry and unreal. They just brought Abby up to surgery. It took them almost an hour to get her stabilized. I still can't believe it.

They didn't allow me to stay with her - Susan had to push me out of the room. It's "too personal for me," they said. And I wonder: How can it be still so personal after all these years?

I look at Kerry, not being able to give her an answer.. "All we can do right now is hope,", she continues. "Abby fractured her skull as well as her leg and two rips. She had severe internal injuries. There is a lot of swelling around her spine. We..." I watch Kerry as she suddenly pauses and can tell that she's holding back tears, "We had to crack her chest and shock her three time to get her back. We also had to trache her because of complications caused by her injured airway. "She pauses again and I feel her hand on my shoulder, shaking, "I'm sorry John. It doesn't look good. She's in a deep coma and even if she makes it out of surgery alive she won't probably wake up."

I turn my head to the wall. I don't want to hear anymore of it. I can't stand it. It took me so long to be finally able to live my life without her. I was finally able to block out most of my thoughts concerning her and the way things went. And then everything is suddenly back. She is back leaving even more questions. Questions which I will probably never get answers for.

I want to scream. I want to make all these feelings go away. I always wished that she would come back one day. And now I hate myself for all those thoughts.

"The results for the girl are back!," I hear someone say. "Everything looks clear."

The girl. I forgot. She must be Abby's daughter. What a strange thought, Abby being a mother. We never talked about this issue. I always thought she was too scared to talk about it to me after everything that happened.

Susan comes up to me, "I'll go and tell her. You better get some rest."

I can only shake my head, "No. I'll go. I have to see her. I have to talk to her!" I get away from Susan as she's trying to stop me.

"John, you shouldn't do this. Not now. I know it is hard, but don't go!"

"I have to. It's my right to understand what was going on all these years. You would do the same if you were in my situation.," I cry, walking faster and faster.

"Be careful!" She says letting me go.

Joanne looks quite peaceful now playing with some stuffed elephant as I enter her room. "Hi." I say, "Can we talk?" She just nods being still busy with that animal. I take a chair and place it beside the bed, "Joanne, they brought in your Mom." I watch her eyes grow big as I mention her mother.

"Where is she? I want to see her!" she cries looking at me waiting for a reaction.

I sigh, "There is something you need to know."

"Where is she? Where is my Mommy?!" she says again, trying to get out of bed.

I hold her and place her again in the sheets, "Sweetie, listen to me. You can't see her now. She's in surgery, the doctors are trying to help her get better"

Her eyes start to fill with tears, "Why do they have to help her get better? Isn't she fine? I want to see my Mommy!!!"

I can't keep watching this. She's breaking my heart. I secretly dry a tear away when she's not looking, "Honey, I know it's hard to understand, but your Mom got hurt in the accident very badly. Everybody is trying to help her now. But sometimes the doctors can't help. Sometimes people have to go, even it hurts others. Even if they have to leave their children, their friends, their loves ones..." I find myself crying even harder with every sentence.

"You're a liar!", Joanne suddenly screams at me, "Go away, I hate you! You're a liar!!" She starts beating me, "Go away! Mommy is fine! You're lying!" I have no power to get away from her. She's beating me harder and harder and I can't do anything about it. I just sit there waiting.

I don't know when she finally stopped. A glance to my watch tells me that I must have been in her room at least for an hour until Susan came and got me out. She said I should go home, but I can't right now. I have to speak to Joanne again, no matter if she want me to or not. And I also have to wait for Abby to get out of surgery. I just can't leave now, the lack of knowledge would kill me.

Susan suggested getting coffee and waiting in the lounge. To talk, to be quiet, to think, to rest. Whatever I feel like. But I don't know what to feel like. I feel like not really being there. It all just seems like a big bad dream.

Suddenly I feel someone touching my shoulder, "John, wake up!" It's Susan.

I open my eyes and notice that I've must have fallen asleep on the couch, "What happened?"

"You fell asleep on the couch two hours ago. Abby is out of surgery now and I thought I better let you know."

I get up and stare at Susan not knowing what to say, "She made it? How is she?"

"She made it. They were able to repair most injuries. She's now in the ICU," Susan answers, looking more than exhausted, "It's not over yet, John. She's still in a deep coma and this might not change. Her head is pretty swollen and they don't know how much damage is done."

"I need to see her!" I cry and swallow, "I really need to see her."


	3. Why Did She Have To Come Back This Way?

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just wanted to say thanks to a few people. A major thank you to my wonderful beta Lucy! I would be completely lost without you! Also a huge thank you to Simone, you saved the day. And last but not least to the nice reviewers and of course to everyone who read the story! =) Ok, I shut up now! =) Have fun reading! **

**Chapter 3 - Why did she have to come back this way?**

Standing in front of the doors to the ICU I debate whether I should go in or not. I really have the urge to see her, to see the woman I gave all my love, but on the other hand she might be a stranger for me. I wonder if she still looks like the Abby I used to know or still is the Abby I used to know.

Finally I open the door and step inside. I always hated being up here. Trying to be as quiet as possible I go and search for her. It doesn't take me to long to find her bed. "Dr. Abigail Majorie Lockhart" it says on the chart. I slowly walk towards her. What a horrible sight. All those machines and tubes, all those bruises on her face a dressing covering her head.

But besides all that things she looks exactly like the day she left. Her hair has still the same color as far as I can tell and her face doesn't look any older. It's so hard to see all this. I don't want to see anymore of it, but on the other side I can't stop looking at her.

_ Seven Years Earlier _

The smell of peaches fill the smooth spring air. Abby just got out of the shower. I can't get enough of this smell. Everytime it gives me the butterflies again.

"_You're driving me nuts," I say to her smiling, entering the bedroom where she is dressing herself up. She picks the cute red shirt that I gave her for her birthday and laughs at me, "Good to know!" Then she slips into the shirt and I'm speechless. She just looks so hot in it. It's hard to stay calm. I come closer to her and place my arms around her waist to sneak a kiss. _

_We kiss passionately and I don't want to stop ever. Then we look deep into each others eyes dreaming. She's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They've got this sad look in it and I always wonder if they just look that way or if she's really sad. _

"_I love you!, I say to her. _

_She smiles, "I love you too!" _

"_Want to get something to eat?", I ask her and she nods. We go to the kitchen to get everything ready for breakfast. _

"_I'm going to get some rolls,", she says. _

_I shake my head, "You don't have to. I can go. You better enjoy our day off." _

_But she insists on going, "No really, I want to go. I'd love to get some fresh air!"_

_I can't help but let her go since she wants to go so much. She kisses me good-bye and I watch her take her wallet leaving the house, leaving me... forever. _

I remember it all so well. It was the last time I saw her. Leaving to get some rolls she left me forever. I never got to know why she did it. Nobody could tell me, they were all shocked. She never sent me a sign.

First I thought that something must have happened to her. I searched for her in every single hospital in Chicago without success. Then I thought that she must have been kidnapped or something and went to the police, but they couldn't help me either. I was so worried about her that I didn't accept the most reasonable answer for a long time: She left me.

And now seeing her laying here it all comes back to me. "Abby, what happened?", I whisper looking at her, but I don't get any answers. Maybe she doesn't hear me or maybe she does. "Abby. Damn it, what happened?"

I can't fight my tears anymore and start to cry. Why did she have to come back this way?

I take her hand and stroke it carefully. Her skin still feels as soft as always. "Honey, please wake up.", I cry, "Please. This can't be it!"

"John." I hear a familiar voice say and turn my head. It's Susan. I nod at her and she gets herself a chair to sit without really looking at me or Abby.

We don't say anything for a minute or so. "You know," I start, still with tears in my eyes, "It has always been my wish that she comes back, but it was also my biggest fear. And now..." I'm not able to continue, sobs passing through my body.

"It's okay John." I feel Susan placing her arm on my shoulder, "I understand what you mean." Suddenly she also starts to cry, "I lost my best friend when she left. And I still ask myself what I did wrong so that she didn't tell me what was bothering her so much that it made her leave. Why I couldn't be there for her when she made the decision to go? And now," she continues, "Now she's back throwing even more questions into the room." She pauses to wipe a few tears away, "I don't know what to think right now. I'm sad to have to see her this way. I feel angry, because seeing her brings everything back to me, but I also feel a little bit relieved that we got the chance to see her once again."

I just nod again and we both go back into silence. I know exactly what Susan said to me and it is even harder to take as time goes by.

After a while Susan gets up stroking over my back, "C'mon John, you really need some rest." But I just look at her and shake my head. I can't leave, not now. "You won't do her a favor staying here this way, besides she isn't going anywhere anytime soon."

Finally I go with her. Maybe she's right. I do feel tired, although I don't want to go and sleep.

"Did someone tell Joanne about Abby yet?" I ask Susan while we're on our way back down to the ER.

"I don't know, maybe not, because it's late now. But I'm sure that they will do tomorrow."

"I see," I say, "It's so strange imagining Abby being her mother, don't you think?"

"I don't know what to think." Susan answers.


	4. I Just Wish We Could Go Back To That

**Chapter 4 – I Just Wish We Could Go Back To That**

SUSAN'S P.O.V.

It has been a week since they brought Abby and her daughter in. I've never seen Carter this vulnerable. Kerry gave him a few days off, because he wasn't able to work anymore. I could tell from his eyes that he didn't get much sleep, he looks so tired, so sad.

Carter showed up at the hospital to visit Abby every day this week. And everyday it's the same news. No improvement yet. People around here even don't ask about her all the time anymore, they kind of accepted the fact that there may never be any news. I only know that Luka has been up there a few times, but I didn't speak to him about it yet. Honestly, I don't dare to ask him.

I try to visit her as often as I can. Most of the time I stay for an hour, telling her the latest ER gossip or what's been going on at home. Although she doesn't respond I believe that she hears me and I imagine how she would react. I think of all the times we used to go out for ladies night after work, all the times we used to watch a few chick-flick videos, talk about men and eat the most delicious, unhealthy things in the world. I just wish we could go back to that.

Joanne seems to have recovered very well and quickly. She may be discharge from the hospital tomorrow, but the problem is that we were unable to get in touch with someone from Abby's family. Looks like we have to give her into foster-care or one of us has to take her in for a while. I'm still wondering who her father is. We got Joanne's passport, it says that she was born on the 1st of August. Abby left in March, so she was already pregnant when she did. I do not know what Carter thinks about Joanne. I have to talk to him about this. I must know what to do with this little girl

Joanne mildly accepts Abby being in a coma, although she might not understand what's wrong with her mother. She's coming by everyday talking to her like nothing happened. The doctors are telling her all the time that she has to talk to Abby, that Abby can hear her. It's easier to get used to the whole situation this way, I think.

"And they say that I can go tomorrow!" I hear Joanne talking faster and faster becoming totally excited. She's sitting on her mothers bed as I enter Abby's room, "But I don't know where to go, because they said I can't go to our home, because there is nobody who could look after me..." Suddenly she stops talking, she must have noticed me, "Oh look who came, it's your friend Dr. Lewis!" Joanne says smiling squeezing Abby's hand, "Hello Dr. Lewis!"

"Hello Sweetheart," I greet her and get myself a chair, "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," she answers smiling, but then calms down, "I can go tomorrow they said, but I don't know where to go. I don't know anybody here!"

She is so mature for her age, you wouldn't guess that she just turned seven years old. Maybe I should take her for a while, it's the most I can do for her and Abby now. It will be a little bit stressful, because we normally have enough to do with our own daughter , but we can handle it for a while. Going into foster-care will just make everything worse for her.

"Maybe you can stay with my family for a while." I say carefully, not trying to get her too excited, "I can't promise you anything, but I can try and talk to some people."

Joanne smiles at me, "I would like that! I wish that they say yes!"

"So do I, sweetie, so do I," I just say stroking over her beautiful brown hair.

"How's your Mommy?" I try to change the subject.

"She is still sleeping.", Joanne says touching Abby's arm gently, "She's a sleep head, you know."

I smile at her, "Yes she is."

_Seven Years Earlier _

"_I'm so tired!" Abby yawns at me eating another chocolate bar, "This was the most exhausting week ever!"_

"_That's your standard sentence every week," I laugh at her._

_She pouts, "I know, I shut up, I promise!"_

_We both burst out into laughter. It's one of these crazy girl's club nights where we just sit around eating, talking and having fun. Unfortunately Chen couldn't make it, so it's just Abby and me. _

"_So, what's with Carter now?" I ask her getting serious. I know that there is some kind of action between those two again, because everybody knows. It's hard not to see it._

"_I don't know," she answers shaking her head. "It's so difficult to tell. First of all I think we're both still in love with each other, but on the other hand there is so much that came between him and me and it's hard to face all those things"_

_I know that she's talking about Kem and the Baby._

"_You know, he will always remember losing his child. And I'm so afraid talking to him about that."_

If I just had understood what she was trying to tell me that night. It's so clear to me now, but back then I didn't really put too much thought into it. Joanne and I sit there for a while talking about nothing important until the nurse comes in to check on Abby. We both say goodbye and I bring Joanne back to her room promising that I will ask if she could stay at my place.

On my way back down I suddenly see Carter and I walk up to him, "Hey!"

"Hey," he says without looking at me.

"How are you?" I ask him, knowing that this is the most stupid question right now.

"I'm okay," he answers not showing any sign of emotion.

"I think we should talk about a few things later on. They'll discharge Joanne tomorrow," I say and wait for his reaction.

"Okay, we can talk later then," he says. "See you"

Then he leaves.


	5. We Need To Find Her Father

**Chapter 5 - We Need To Find Her Father**

SUSAN'S P.O.V.

I knew it. I knew that Carter wouldn't show up. He left without even letting me know. Doesn't he understand that we really have to talk about Joanne? That he has to talk about her? It doesn't work like this. He has to do a test, because otherwise Joanne will be forced to go into foster-care at one time or another. Even if Abby wakes up tomorrow, there'll be too much damage to let her go anytime soon.

I just spoke to the social worker the same day and he said it would be great if I could take her for a little while. I know this won't be a long time solution. We simply don't have enough space. But at least she has a place for awhile. I feel kind of strange as I go upstairs to take her. I don't think they told her yet. She smiles at me brightly as I enter the room.

"Good morning Joanne!" I greet her.

She waves at me, "Hello Dr. Lewis." She's just too cute.

"I have good news for you," I start and her eyes seem to grow. "They said that you can stay at my place for awhile if you like."

"Really," she asks, not really sure if she should believe it or not. "I can stay with you?"

"Yes, honey. At least for awhile," I reassure her.

She smiles happily, "This is awesome. Mom would like me to stay with you, I believe."

"Yes dear, she would," I nod as I start to pack her few things. Apparently she doesn't have that much to wear, but maybe she can take some of Amy's clothes.

"Do you have kids?" Joanne asks curiously as we are driving home.

"Yes, I have a daughter. She's not that much older than you. She's eight. I think you guys will get along very well."

"That's cool," Joanne says with content in her voice. "I always wanted a sister to play with."

_ Seven Years Earlier _

"_I don't understand these kinds of women," I say while throwing my used gloves into the trash , "They have everything. They have money, a husband, a nice home, but when it comes to children they're like 'No way, this will ruin my career, my life whatever.' This is no reason to throw a life away."_

_I look at Abby and wait for an answer, but she doesn't say anything. We just had a 30 year old woman in here, who found out that she was pregnant. Apparently she wasn't happy with this news since the child would ruin her life. She didn't say it that way, but she looked as if she was thinking it. She had everything a woman wants._

"_Earth to Abby!" I try to shake Abby out of her staring, but she doesn't react. "What's the matter with you?" _

_Suddenly she looks at me seeming mad, "She has her reasons Susan, just accept it!"_

"Hey, that's no reason for you to speak to me that way!" I counter. Why does she behave like this all of a sudden? "What's your problem?"

_Abby doesn't say anything for a while. Then she looks at me totally angry but also sad in some kind of way, "I had an abortion when I was still married to Richard. We had kind of everything at home, but I had my reasons!" I just stand there saying nothing. I didn't expect her to say something like that. "So, don't talk like this until you know all the details!" She doesn't even dare to look at me anymore, speaking with a shaking in her voice._

"_I'm sorry Abby, I didn't know.." I begin trying to minimize the damage, "I didn't mean to hurt you"_

"_It's okay, it happened and I can't change it anymore... so..", she answers plain, "It's just that I didn't want to pass my Mom's disease, to ruin another life. I also never talked to Richard about kids, I was too terrified." _

"_It's ok Abby, no one's blaming you." I say and she just nods. _

_I'm sure that she's blaming herself_

Everything worked out well with Joanne, she's one of those rare easy going children. She and Amy got along so well that it was not easy to get them to bed the night she arrived at our house. I'm happy for her. She needs something to reduce the tension right now.

The next morning I arrived at work a bit earlier, to finally catch Carter. And I'm successful. He's sitting in the lounge drinking a coffee as I enter the room.

"There you are!" I say not without a little underlying tone in my voice.

"Here I am," he answers without emotion.

"Can we talk now?" I ask him, "Because it's very important."

"Well at least I'm done then afterwards", he pulls his coffee mug aside, "Then talk."

"John, they discharged Joanne yesterday. She's at my house at the moment. But I can't take her for a long time, we don't have enough space and we barely have time for our own daughter," I start carefully, "We need to find her father..."

"And what does that have to do with me?" He asks me annoyed.

"There might be the possibility that you are Joanne's father. Joanne was born in August, Abby left in March. So she must have gotten pregnant when she was here. You guys were still together back then..." I look at him, trying to see what he's thinking now.

"This is ridiculous!" He laughs at me, "We were always careful. Maybe she had an affair or something. I'm definitely not the father!"

"John, please just take the test to make sure. You never know..." I'm shocked by his reaction. He seems to be totally ignoring the possibility.

"Susan, I'm not the father! End of discussion!" he says angry, "I have to go now, Abby needs me!"

"John, wait!" I shout at him, but he just leaves.


	6. I Miss Her When I’m Not With Her

**Chapter 6 - I Miss Her When I'm Not With Her**

I know that it's quite possible that I'm Joanne's father, but it can't be true. Why didn't Abby tell me back then? I find myself running outside instead of going to Abby. I didn't mean to leave Susan that way, but right now I can't speak about the whole thing. I cannot handle it.

Abby was so different when we got back together. She was finally able to speak about the things that bothered her. She would have told me if I was Joanne's father.

Wouldn't she?

But maybe she was too scared to tell me about it after Kem and I lost the baby. Maybe she didn't tell me because she thought it would be to painful for me.

"Won't you say hello to Dr. Carter?" Suddenly I see Susan coming out of the building together with Joanne.

"Hello Dr. Carter," she says in a shy tone.

I shake myself out of my thoughts, trying to be as normal as I can, "Good morning Joanne. How are you today?"

"I'm fine. I'm going to visit my Mommy so she is not alone," Joanne smiles at me brave. I wonder how she takes it.

"That's very kind of you. I think she is very lucky to have a daughter like you!" I look at her. She has ecxactly Abby's eyes, but her mouth and the shape of her face are different.

"Dr. Carter!" She brings me back into reality, "Do you also visit her sometimes?"

"Yes Honey, I do. I actually planned to see her today too."

"Why don't you guys visit her together then?" Susan brings herself into the conversation.

Joanne nods happily, "Yeah, that would be really nice. Please Dr. Carter. Mommy would like that."

I have to agree, "Yes, why not."

"Great. I'll come and get Joanne in, let's say, two hours, okay?" Susan asks ready to leave.

"Okay, we'll see you then," I say and she leaves Joanne and me alone.

I don't know what to say. I really like kids and get along with them well, but this situation is different, it's more complicated. She smiles at me waiting for me to do something.

"Do you want to go and eat some ice cream before we visit your Mom?", I ask her since I don't know what to say.

She seems to like the idea, "Oh, I love ice cream!"

"I assume that's a yes," I smile back and give her my hand cautiously. She first looks at me, then takes it and we head for Doc Magoo's.

"So, did you have a good time at Susan's?" I take another bite from my brownie sundae and she looks up from her ice cream, which is almost as big as her face.

"Yeah, she is very nice and also has a nice daughter. Her name is Amy and we play together all the time. She's also going to that school with me..."

Her eyes glow while she's talking and I can't help but love her.

_Seven Years Earlier _

"_I would do it! Definitely!" I say bending over the table reaching for the magazine. _

"_That's good to know, Carter!" Susan comments taking another bite from her doughnut, "I mean, many men are scared to do it, because it might change everything for them. From one minute to the other you have a child,", she starts. "Sounds scary to me. It means a lot of responsibility, support and most of all lost time, but also all the fun being a dad."_

_I nod, "Yeah, I think so too. And wow, it must be pretty strange to finally meet the child and tell him or her. You never know how they react."_

"_Imagine someone tells you that he is your father. A stranger might be suddenly your relative. I don't know how I would react." Susan answers getting herself a coffee, "Coffee anyone?" _

"_Yeah me," Abby looks up for a second but then goes back into starring to the floor. She just stayed quiet on the discussion. _

"_Here you go!" Susan hands Abby her mug and then continues talking, "What do you think about the whole thing Abby? You didn't say anything yet." Normally she's quite involved into our conversations holding passionate views._

"_I just..." she starts pretty quiet and it looks like it isn't really her topic., "I just think that it must be hard for the mother afterwards. I mean she didn't tell him because of nothing." She strokes a few hairs out of her face with a certain sadness in her eyes. "And in the end she's the bad one, no matter how many good reasons she had. And even if other people don't blame her, she will certainly blame herself" _

Did Abby ever plan to tell me if I was Joanne's father? Maybe she always wanted to, but was too terrified of my reaction to it. Everybody would be glad to have a daughter like Joanne. I've never met such a sweet and kind girl and I wonder how they lived the last seven years.

"Do we want to go and see you Mom now?", I ask her after we both finished our cups and she nods grabbing her jacket immediately.

"I can't wait to see her. I miss her when I'm not with her."

"I can imagine!" I say and give her my hand again, "I often miss her too."

As we reach her room I can't believe what I have to see. I knew that I would have to face this sooner or later, but I just don't want it to be true, especially because Joanne is with me.

I just stare through the window of her room shocked. It looks like something happened. Two nurses and a doctor are bending over her, machines are beeping.

Something must be wrong.

"What happened? What's wrong?"I say confused, entering the room, but I don't get an answer. They keep working on her without letting me know what is going on. "What happened? Is she alright?" I ask again louder being more than scared.

"Please wait outside!" the nurse just tells me pushing me out of the room.

"Dr. Carter!" Joanne grabs me arm worried, "What's wrong with my Mommy? Is something wrong with her?"

"I don't know Joanne, we just have to be brave for her and hope that everything is okay, alright honey?" I try to keep her calm trying to keep my tears back.

"She's dying, isn't she?" Joanne suddenly cries looking deep into my eyes and I don't know what to say.


	7. Sleep Tight

**Chapter 7 – Sleep Tight**

Her beautiful brown eyes stare at me without looking. Then she blinks a couple of times and keeps staring again.

I look at Joanne, she's fallen asleep on the other side of the bed, holding her mother's hand. I didn't dare to wake her up. She was so exhausted. I don't know how long we've been sitting here watching Abby carefully.

Then suddenly the door opens and one of the doctors comes into the room. "Dr. Carter?" he asks quiet since he noticed the sleeping girl. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't speak to you earlier, but we had to run some tests first," He starts as we walk out of the room, "When Nurse Johnson went to perform the daily check up she found Mrs. Lockhart having a seizure. She happened to pull a few tubes out, but luckily she didn't hurt herself and we managed to get everything back in order."

I nod staring out of the window, "What's her diagnosis?"

"Vegetative state," he answers as those words are running through my head. "I'm sorry."

When I enter Abby's room again Joanne is still sleeping. She cried for almost half an hour, because she didn't understand what was happening to her mother. We had to give her something to calm her down and she still doesn't understand why Abby doesn't react although her eyes are open.

I look at my watch. It's almost eight o'clock. Susan came upstairs hours ago to take Joanne home, but she refused to go. I volunteered to stay with her and to call Susan when she's ready to leave.

Joanne can't sleep there all night, so I go outside and start to dial Susan's number, but nobody's answering. Maybe it's better to take Joanne to my house, let her sleep there and Susan could get her in the morning. I call Susan again and leave a message on her answering machine.

I never thought that a sleeping tiny seven year old girl would be so heavy. I sigh after carrying Joanne downstairs and put her on the backseat of my car. She looks like an angel, cuddled up in my jacket and I try to drive as careful as possible so I do not wake her.

"Good night sweetie, sleep tight." I kiss her on her forehead as I tuck her into the big guestroom bed. She looks quite lost in it since she's so tiny.

_Years Earlier_

"_Are you a mommy?" the little boy asks watching every step of Abby. _

"_No, honey, I don't have any kids," she answers laughing stroking his hair. _

"_That's a pity!"_

_I stand outside the room looking at those two. Abby is so sweet with kids, I really wonder why we never really spoke about that topic. She would be the perfect mother. I should really talk to her about it._

"_Hello Jared!" I greet the boy as I enter the room, "How are you?" _

"_I'm okay," he answers cuddling his blanket. "Nurse Abby brought me some chocolate milk!"_

"_That's very kind of you!" I say smiling at her and she smiles back, "But I think it's time for sleeping, right Abby?" _

"_Yes and tomorrow you will be much better!" She puts the blanket over him and strokes over his cheek, "Sleep tight."_

_I can't get enough of it, imagining Abby tucking our child into bed, maybe singing a song, telling a story... _

"_You coming?" she shakes me out of my dream. _

"_Oh, right, I mean yes," I say a little bit confused._

"_You're just too sweet, Carter!"_

I really missed those moments. After she left I never had one of those sweet dreams again. It was too painful to imagine what could have been. I spend a few more minutes watching Joanne sleep and then make my way downstairs. As I enter the living room I see my answer machine blinking. It says that Susan called. I redial her number and it doesn't take long for her to answer

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's John, you called me?"

"Yes, I just wanted to thank you for taking her," she sounds relieved.

"Yeah, well I didn't want her to sleep there and I couldn't reach you."

"Yeah, I just was on my way back to the hospital. But when I arrived you already left. Anyway, thanks a lot. How is she now?"

"Better, she just needed some rest. I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow. Should I take her to your house later on or will you pick her up?" I ask her, hoping that it doesn't sound as if I want Joanne to go.

"I'm going to pick her up at noon, is that ok?"

"Yeah, perfect." We both go into silence for quite a while. Not really knowing what to say.

"Oh, what I wanted to tell you," she breaks the silence. "They got Abby off the ventilator, she needed to improve a little bit but it's more than fine now!"

I can't believe what she's saying, "Really? That's just great!"

"Yeah." Susan doesn't seem that happy about it, "You know John, it isn't over. There's still a big chance that this will be the last big improvement!"

Her words hit me right in my face. I'm a doctor by myself. I know all this. But right now I don't want to hear it. I just want hope. "Okay, anyway. I'll see you tomorrow!" I cut the conversation off. After today I don't feel like arguing.

"See you then", Susan answers and I know that she knows what I'm thinking about .

I put the phone back on the table and slowly walk upstairs, hoping for just a little bit of sleep. Hoping for a little relief from all of this.

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Author's Note: Thanks again for the nice reviews :) Of course I wouldn't let her die... so soon. Nahh (: I wouldn't. Keep reading and let me know what you think!


	8. How Can Something Hurt When You’re With ...

Author's Note: Sorry it took me that long to update, but school is keeping me pretty busy at the moment. Anyway, have fun reading and pls don't forget to hit the review button! )

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**Chapter 8 - How Can Something Hurt When You're With Me**

"Why do you live alone in this big house? Joanne asks curiously munching her cereal.

"Because I have no one to live with," I say getting some coffee.

"Ah, I see!" She puts more milk in the basin and is silent again.

It was hard to calm her down this morning since she didn't realize where she was and why she wasn't at Susan's or at home. We still haven't talked about Abby yet. I'm just glad I managed to get her into the kitchen to have some breakfast.

"When will Susan come here?" Her eyes are wandering through the kitchen and then look at me.

"I don't know honey, maybe in an hour," I take a look at my watch. Ten until 11. We both fall back to silence again. I don't know what to say.

"Why didn't Mom live with you here?" She suddenly comes back to the house topic and leaves me puzzled.

"Because she didn't want to live here, I guess," I answer and hope that she won't ask anymore.

No such luck, she continues, "Why didn't she want to live here?"

"Honey, please. I don't know, okay?" I shout a little bit louder than I wanted to and she shuts up pouting. "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to shout at you - I'm a little bit tense at the moment, okay?"

She nods, still pouting, "Okay."

"See, it's not easy for me either right now. I love your Mom too and I really hate to see her this way.", I start and she stares at me. "And everyday when I go and see her I hope that she woke up, but when I enter the room she's still asleep!" I find myself almost crying, trying to hide it. I don't want Joanne to see it.

"But she's not sleeping anymore!" Joanne says shaking her head, "She had her eyes open! She looked at me!"

"I know, it's hard to understand, but she's kind of sleeping with her eyes open," I try to explain slowly but Joanne is still shaking her head.

"No, you can't sleep with your eyes open!"

She doesn't get it – It is way too much for a seven year old to understand. I put my head into my hands, "Your Mom is really sick, you know? When you two had the accident she hit her head very hard and hurt it. And when something is hurt it doesn't really work..."

Suddenly she's silent again watching me carefully as I continue, "And your Mother's head doesn't really work at the moment. And she is sleeping so she doesn't have to feel any pain. But you can't keep your eyes shut all the time, they want to see light sometimes. So Mom's head keeps her asleep, but allows the eyes to see some light, or allows her arms to move a little bit."

"And she doesn't feel any pain? She doesn't suffer?" Joanne asks shy with big eyes.

"No honey, she doesn't."

"That's good," tears start to roll over her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I bend a little bit down gently touching her shoulder.

"It makes me sad. I want her back. But when she wakes up it will hurt," she sobs and I get to her and pull my arms around her.

"When she wakes up her head will be better. It won't hurt anymore, because she will be so happy to see you," I stroke over her back carefully, letting her cry.

"_So, what are we going to do tonight?" Abby asks me while we're laying on the couch together._

"_I don't know, whatever you want," I just take another spoon of ice cream letting her cuddle herself even closer so I can feed her a little bit, "But take some ice cream first." _

_She turns her head trying to get some, but as soon as she gets near the spoon I take it away, "Oooops!" I laugh, "Come and get it!" _

"_Oh, you really want me to?" She giggles and starts to tickle me._

_I can't help but defend myself, "That's not fair!" I laugh and scream and she even tries harder and harder. _

_I let go of the spoon, put both my arms on her waist, squeezing her softly and she shrieks and laughs, "Ahhh, nooo!! Stop it!" She's too funny and I can't get enough of it. _

_We start to tickle each other, fighting on the couch both laughing and screaming. She is sitting on me and I try to get her off, pushing her arms away from me. Then she stops fighting against me. But I still push her and suddenly she falls down way too fast hitting her head on the ground, "Ouch!" I get onto the floor quickly. _

"_Aw, my head!", she whispers breathing heavily holding her hand onto her head._

"_Are you ok? Did you get hurt?", I help her to get up hoping that it's not that big. _

"_Only hurts a bit, it's okay.", she say still holding her head looking at me smiling, "Don't worry. Nothing happened!" _

_I'm still worried, "You're sure? Should I take a look at it?" _

"_John please, it's okay," she tries to assure me, "How can something hurt when you're with me?" _

_I get closer to her and hug her, _

"_I love you, Abby. I love you so much."_

Joanne rests in my arms for a while when I hear the doorbell ring. That must be Susan.

I carefully put Joanne back on her seat telling her to finish her flakes and go to answer the door

"Hi Susan, we just had some breakfast." I say letting her into the house, she looks different, "What's wrong?"

"We have a problem," she begins. "Amy got the chicken pox. And if Joanne hasn't had them yet she could get them from Amy."

"Damn." I mumble, "She can't get sick right now, because she won't be able to see Abby then. It would be too dangerous."

Susan just nods, "Yeah, that's the problem. So, I thought..." She pauses.

I look at her, "What?"

"Maybe you could take her."


	9. See, It Isn’t That Bad, Is It?

**Author's Note: Sorry that it took me so long again, but I'm still pretty busy... Anyway have fun reading and don't forget to hit the review button!**

**Chapter 9 - See, it isn't that bad, is it?**

"That's it?" I watch Susan taking Joanne's things out of her car.

She hands me a little suitcase and a little bag, "Yeah, that's it. All her things were destroyed in the accident. We gave her some of Amy's stuff."

"Okay," I nod. "I can go and buy some clothes, maybe some toys for her?"

Susan starts to laugh, "Have fun then."

"What...?" I give her a puzzled look as Joanne comes out of the house. "Here you go honey," I give her the little bag.

She runs up to Susan and pleads, "Susan, I don't want to go. I like it at your house! I want to play with Amy! Why do I have to go!"

Susan hugs the little girl and kneels down, "Look sweetie. Amy's sick at the moment and if you get sick too you wont be able to visit your Mom. So it's better if you stay with John, ok?"

"Okay," Joanne answers sadly.

"Let's go inside," I suggest trying to reduce the tension. It's understandable that she reacts that way. I just hope that she will accept this one day.

"Oh, isn't this nice, Joanne?" Susan opens the door to the guest room trying to cheer her a little bit up.

"You can hang up a few posters and pictures if you like so everyone can see that it's your room," I suggest trying to support Susan.

Joanne enters the room slowly with big eyes observing everything, then she looks at Susan and me, "This is really my room?"

"Yes honey, it is," I assure her. "We can even get you a sign for your door that says 'Joanne's Room,' okay?"

"Ohhh, I always wanted one of those!" She smiles contently and gets a little teddy out of her bag. "See Herman, we have a new place." She puts the bear on the big bed, "We like it here, don't we?"

"See, it isn't that bad, is it?" I smile at her.

So here we are. I might not know how to manage with her, but it will work out. Hopefully it won't be for too long. Abby will wake up, we'll find the dad, and Joanne will be happy. At least that's what I hope. Susan also seems to be happy. Her worries about Joanne entering foster care have seemed to disappear. I know a part of her excitement is because she thinks that I'm doing the test. But I won't. Joanne is a sweet girl, but she's not my daughter.

"I'll come and visit you, alright?" Susan carefully strokes Joanne's back, "And we'll see each other at your Mom's!"

"Bye Susan," Joanne says with tears in her eyes as she hugs her.

We watch her drive off, and head back inside. "Do you want something to eat?" I go straight to the kitchen and point at the fridge, but Joanne doesn't seem to be paying attention. "Joanne?"

"When are we going to see my Mommy today?" She asks this looking nowhere, as she ignores my question.

"I'm sorry hon, we can't see her today," I shake my head.

"Why's that?" She continues, still not quite looking at me.

"Because they're taking some tests to see how to make her feel better."

"Doesn't that hurt?" Finally, she looks at me with curiosity.

"Oh, no honey. It won't hurt," I reassure her.

"Will it hurt if she dies?"

I don't believe my ears. She is still looking at me plainly, and I cannot believe she asked this. She didn't say this, did she? I stare at her, shocked "Joanne," I say, "She won't die. She'll be alright. You understand what I'm saying, don't you?"

"Yes."

I put some dirty dishes into the sink, ignoring what we just talked about. "Do you want to go and buy some new clothes? Susan said that you don't have many at the moment."

"Those were Amy's clothes. She gave them to me, because I didn't have any." She points at her shirt, which is more than a size too big.

"That's really nice of Amy. But look, they're to big for you. We can get you something that fits"

_Seven Years Earlier _

_Women and shoes, I should have known. I even endorsed it. Abby was never a big shopping person, but since I started dragging her along a couple of times, she began to really enjoy it. So now I'm sitting here, looking at the fiftieth pair of shoes she has brought me to look at._

"_How about these?" She points at a pair of dark brown boots. _

_To be honest, they look exactly like all the others I saw today, but I don't want to offend her, so I just smile, _

"_They're not that bad either." _

"_Oh, come on! You don't like them, do you! You said this to all of the pairs I showed you!" She suddenly starts to pout, "If you don't want to go shopping with me, you should have let me known..." _

_She's kinda mad now, so I try to looks sorry, but also pleasing, "No, honey, really, I like to go with you, but the last few pairs looked exactly the same." _

"_Okay." She's pretending not to be angry, but I can tell she still is. "So should I take those?"_

_She throws a pair of pink pajama-shoes at me, making me laugh as I observe them._

"_Why not!" _

_I put them on and she starts to laugh too, since they're too small and held together by a string. _

"_Hey, I like them! Have some too," I carefully jump to the table with the pajama shoes and pick the same for her. _

_She giggles as she puts hers on and we jump around like kids. _

"_You're crazy," she laughs. _

"_And so are you!" _

_I take her hands, but suddenly tumble and fall. I try not to pull her with me, nevertheless she falls right on me, looking deep into my eyes. She comes closer and starts to kiss me..._

"Hey, those are cool, aren't they?" I pick up a pink sneaker with glitter stars on it.

"Nooo, those are for babies!" Joanne shakes her head wildly, "I like these!" She hands me a pair of Jamaica style sneakers, "All of my friends have them!"

"Ok, why not, you can," I answer as my cell phone starts to ring. "Hello?...Oh, hi Susan...What?...I mean, she's?...Oh, of course...We're on our way"

I stare at the shoes then look at Joanne speechless, not knowing what to say, what to think, what to feel.

"Joanne, honey, we have to go. We have to go to the hospital...It's your Mom..."


	10. Blurry, Everything Just Seems So Blurry

**Chapter 10 - Blurry, Everything Just Seems So Blurry.**

"Joanne, please stop it!" I turn to Joanne, who cannot keep still.

"But Mom, I'm hungry!" She grumbles, "I don't want to drive around anymore," and starts to throw some stuff

out of her bag.

"Stop it!" I'm now yelling at her. "I don't want to drive around anymore either, okay! But we have to, so just shut up!"

Without looking, I can tell that she's crying. I start to say her name, but I stop. I cannot do this now. I don't want to discuss it with a seven year old, even though she's my own daughter. Not here. It's strange to drive through the city. The city I spend so many time in. Where I had my best, but also my worst time of life. All those streets. Those streets I walked down not knowing what to do.

I had no choice. I had no choice but to leave him. At least that's what I thought. That's why I did it, and that's what I regret. Now, seven years later. Joanne sits beside me. I know that I have to tell him, I always knew. And I also knew that I have to come back. I had a good time in Boston, but it wasn't home.

"Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom!" Joanne whines and I turn to her again.

"Okay, I'll look for a place to stop, alright honey?" I touch her cheek, trying to comfort her when suddenly her eyes grow wide.

"Mom!" As she screams and I get a glimpse of a car on collision course.

I instinctively try to get out of its way, but it's too late. Joanne's scream is interrupted by a loud crash. Our car overturns as everything fade to black.

_Seven Years Earlier _

_I look into the mirror. For the last time. It feels so wrong, but it's the only solution. I take a deep breath and then continue dressing myself. _

"_I love you!", he says and each word stings. _

"_I love you too." _

_I don't know what I do as I walk down the stairs and leave. Leave forever. This is only for our best, I keep saying to myself. It's better for both of us. I look at my watch, it's time to get to the airport. Boston is waiting for me. A new life, for me and for the child. My child._

Nobody knows. I'm all alone and wonder. What will happen with John? Will he ever find out? I shake my

head. It's better for us. The street in front of me disappears as I hear a whining. Reality comes back to me. Joanne, the car, our car.

"Honey?" I whisper and suddenly everything just hurts. It hurts so much.

I try to see what's outside, but everything is so blurry. Horns beep, chaos, lights, blood. My blood.

"M'am, can you hear me?" Someone asks, standing next to the broken window.

I want to answer, want to scream, but all I can get out is a cough. The taste of blood fills my mouth.

What's happening? Where's Joanne? So many questions and so much pain.

"M'am, you're trapped. We're going to get you out as soon as we can, alright? Just stay with me," The stranger continues while I hear other voices coming near.

"My daughter." I mumble and have to cough again.

"Don't worry, we have her almost out. She looks ok so far. Just concentrate on yourself. Can you tell me

where you're hurt?"

I try to answer him, but I can't. There's so much pain, I want to make it go away.

My head hurts so much, I can't take it.

Blurry,

everything just seems so blurry.

I have no idea where I am. It's just so blurry, I want it to stop.

And then there is this pain, everything hurts.

What happened?

Suddenly I hear somebody saying my name.

The voice sounds so familiar to me.

But I can't exactly place it, too much pain.

I try to open my eyes,

Blurry faces

Then they begin to sharpen and I recognize them immediately

"Susan," I whisper and cannot believe what I see,

"John"

It hurts as the words leave my mouth, it burns like hell, "What...?"

"Abby, try not to talk, okay?" Susan carefully strokes over my arm, "You need to take it easy, okay? You were in an accident and got in a coma."

Accident? Coma? The words keep echoing in my head and I suddenly see it right in front of me, the car coming

faster and faster. I can hear Joanne screaming.

Joanne! Where's Joanne? Is she dead? I can feel panic rushing through my body.

"Joanne?" I cry, "Where's my daughter?"

"Relax honey, deep breaths okay?" I nod as best as I can and try to breathe. "Joanne was lucky. She's in the waiting area at the moment." Susan smiles, "We took good care of her, she was staying at John's. It's so good to have you back..."

John! I look at him, he hasn't said anything yet, he just stands there starring at me.

Does he know? What if he knows?

I have so many questions, but I feel like my body will shut down every second, it feels so heavy and sleepy.

I try to fight against it, but my eyes start to flutter and all I can see is John starring at me till it's getting dark again.

**Author's Note: Thanks again for the nice reviews ). FinallyI was able to update a little faster ;)**

**Keep on reading and tell me what you think (**


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